Sunday, February 22, 2009

It’s TAO Time (The Dichotomy of Drinking pt.1 of 2)

Thursday night rolls around again and I’m at home about to enjoy a phone date (and yeah, it’s EXACTLY what you think). It was a good one but I also just wanted to get out of Emo-Ville for awhile. I see a twitter alert from two buddies- UAD1 and Capt. Sparrow- about a straight shot into TAO for the night. I’ve been to TAO before and remember it, kinda, being a good time so I’m like “Bet. I’ll roll.” Plus, I know UAD1 is also taking a break from the liks so I’ll have someone to be sober with.

They pick me up in front of my local pub and we are off.

We arrive at the Venetian and the line for TAO is LOOOONNNGGG. Real long. Luckily, the worldly Capt. Sparrow has an in so we just pick up the remainder of our party, including Smoove, and slide right in with drink tickets. He is such a good guy that he proceeds to grab about four girls and take them to the entrance as well. Truly, a gentleman and a scholar.

We go upstairs and hit the bar for delicious water and Red Bull. I’ve been at this place before but this is the first time I actually notice the second level with the frosted doorways- that I’m assuming is for VIPs.

Now, how did I miss that before?
Ahhhh. That’s right. I was bent.

I stand around for a bit with the crew at the bar before I decide to hit the dance floor. This place was CROWDED and hot. Plus, and I can’t believe I am typing this, but there were too many girls. It’s blasphemy to say, I know.

I didn't mind this girl though. HEH.

As I’m standing in the middle of the jam-packed dance floor trying to maybe move my arms and not contemplating that maybe this is how my forebears felt on the Amistad, I begin to realize that you truly do see the EXACT same people every time you go out.
I don’t mean necessarily the same folks (unless you live in a small town) but the same types. These are the different types of people I noticed on Thursday night....
(ignore the grainy pics- they don't relate at all to the topics- just what I snapped there)

DRUNK, GIGGLY INDIAN GIRLS- This is a group of roaming Indian girls all holding hands. There are usually between 3 and 5 of them and they are all drunk. One girl is always drunker than her friends. This it the one who will try to grab you and dance with you while her friends calm her down. Don't be fooled. You have a 3% chance of actually succeeding with this group(there are rumors of success in Upstate New York and New Jersey but a citation is needed). This is a girls night out. Avoid it.

BACKPACK/DJ TYPE DUDE- This guy looks either like he really doesn't belong in the spot or is working too hard to be there. Easily spotted, he might be wearing a Kangol or some sort of BAPE attire. Basically, he looks like either Kanye/Pharell/Lupe or one of them dudes. He also says "Excuse me" or "Pardon, brother" when he is trying to get through the crowd.
Warning- DO NOT ENGAGE IN SMALL TALK OR "BUILDING". This will eat up your WHOLE night.

These are people who are a little too old to be in the club. They usually end up there because they are staying at that hotel and got free entry. They won't stick around long- usually only for two drinks. Dancing with these awkward groups of people can be fun though. They are sillier on vacay and willing to buy rounds. FUN!!!

It's like Where's Waldo for adults tonight.

RANDOM WOMEN PLAYING GAMES- Not talking about guy-girl games. I'm talking about actual contests. Most of the time it is a bridal party trying to spice up the night to combat the liquor and Chippendale glitter on their face although I did encounter 2 single girls who were engaged in this at TAO. Or I'm going to assume they were involved in some sort of picture scavenger hunt since they dragged me into a picture with another black dude. Hope I got them some extra points....

COUGARS- Not gonna even go into this one. Suffice to say they are attracted to me for some reason. I have NO IDEA why they think I'm good prey. Maybe because I look young or like I need someone to buy me sneakers. Who knows?

BLACK "GUY NOD" GUYS- This guy appears in all clubs but more so in two situations-
a) when there is a large amount of drunk women
b) when cougars are on the hunt and dance with either you or him
The nod is a subtle way of either saying "Yeah. WE GOT THIS, SON!" or "Wow. She is nuts." Sometimes it's a combination of both those things. Either way, we are enjoying the evening at this point.

BLACK GIRLS WITH ATTITUDES- They only exists in clubs that are primarily filled with Caucasians and their numbers are decreasing annually. They direct their attitudes towards black guys and white girls dancing together. I've had anger directed at me that particular night for no reason other than just STANDING next to a white woman. Not talking. Not dancing. STANDING. DOING NOTHING. I just laughed.

Quit eye-fucking me and just come over and talk. Literally, five women stared me full in the face and placed a hand on my chest as they walked towards the bar. I mean, that's cool but if you want me to talk to you, SPEAK UP! Being coy ain't cute.
Neither is eating just salad but that's another post.

ANGRY DUDE WORKING- Mostly black guys fit into this category. Basically, they are pissed that they have to pick up cups and glasses you left around. I understand their rage because I wouldn't want to pick up people's cigarette butts. BUT, that's your job, you know the club is packed and why are you surprised that drunk people act like asses?

This is the mother hen of the group. She has the best interests (somewhat) of her friend in mind. She is trying protect her girls from slimy guys, which I'm fully in support of. The problem is that she is usually way TOO gung-ho about this task. The protection she lays out sometimes comes from jealousy as well and this is not cool. She is willing to shut down dudes for you because no one is talking to her. (The linebacker subset is for the larger ladies who just push you away- literally)
But she is a necessary evil to combat the next type.

Another category that I won't get too deep into. You know exactly who I am talking about. You will encountering at least 3 of these guys in the course of your evening.
Guys tend to meet the subset of the "Trying to Be Your Pal" Guy. They pop up with frequency when you share even one word with an attractive female. You can be asking her for the time and the next thing you know you have a guy at your elbow trying to snake his way into her heart. No, not heart. Pants.
What's really bad is this dude isn't friendly and won't acknowledge you as his in.
Word of Advice- If you are this guy and you see me out, DON'T ATTEMPT IT. I will shut you down and say I don't know you at all. You will be embarrassed and have to ask Mystery what went wrong...

RANDOM GAY COUPLE- Always a random gay couple in a "straight" club. Normally, not even an issue, particularly with lesbians. You notice but keep it moving and focus on your night. Only time there is an issue is when one or both of the people in the couple get under the false impression that they are about to become Milk for the night.
Listen dude/dudette, I don't give a fuck what you do. Have fun. Life is short. Enjoy yo'self. Don't lecture me. Get a drink and back down.

GRIND AND MAKEOUT AT BAR COUPLE- May be my favorite type in the club. They are enjoying themselves fully and you have to applaud that. The only time it is a problem is when they are blocking you from getting a drink. Most of the time they are cool though and will either move or order for you. Long as they aren't too drunk. Or humping.

SHOTS!WHOO!VEGAS! (or whatever city you are in)- This phenomenon only occurs in places people visit a great deal. Las Vegas is the Mecca for this behavior. (Mecca, oddly, never has this happen there)
Basically, you have people getting drunk and misbehaving because the people that know them are FFFAAAAARRRRRR away.

Oddly, there were two types of people I didn't see that night. I saw no MINOR CELEBRITIES. This is rare because you can't go to any bathroom and not run into Wilmer Valderrama, some chick from Dannity Kane or a wrestler. Also I didn't see and DRUNK MAKING OUT WITH MULTIPLE DUDES CHICKS. To be fair, I did leave early....

That about sums up the sights and sounds of the night. (outside of the group of short Mexican girls about to get in fight with a dude pushing through the crowd with a lit cigarette- he was an asshole)

Someone is about to get cut in this crowd.

Another short, easily remembered night made longer by the absence of alcohol.


Stay tuned for the second half where I recount my Saturday inside Hooters Casino at the grand re-opening of Dixie's. Should be up tomorrow or tonight.

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