Looking over this blog I realize that I won't be able to update as much as possible with non-shenanigans because 1)I'm staying in more for monetary reasons and 2)I'm getting old. As the late, great Bernie Mac would say, My body weary. Instead, I will try to provide little updates, articles or just randomness once or twice a week if I do not go out. If you are looking for something to actually read go here or something non-drink related from my life go here.
If not, sit back and enjoy my idle mind as we discuss cartoon characters that I'm pretty sure were hitting the sauce on the low.
Now, I know what you are saying:
"Sean, the cartoon characters from when we were little were just enjoyment for children. They weren't doing adult things like drinking. Come on, guy."
First off, don't call me guy. What am I? Canadian, buddy?
Secondly, oh really?
Look at these folks and tell me they weren't preparing you to deal with the adult world and all its issues....
Jump-offs, D-Bags, Slackers and Cheating.
So, it comes as no surprise to me that the makers of my 1980s children entertainment also introduced characters that were probably abusing alcohol when no one was looking. (Don't EVEN let me get started with the boozers on Transformers- I'm looking at you, Spike and Grimlock) Sorry to destroy your cherished memories of these childhood stars.
Here are my top ten suspects of undercover cartoon drinkers....
1. BLUEGRASS Silverhawks were basically Thundercats in space but I still liked them. They were started by a grizzled, old, one-eyed cop who wanted to combat space pirates, particularly Mon*Star, who was obviously a gussied up version of Mumm-Ra. The Silverhawks could fly and live in space and had a ship named Maraj (pronounced Mirage but you couldn't spell it the right way because it was the '80s and everyone was on coke).
All the Silverhawks were kinda cool knock-offs of the Thundercats. Even the annoying one who spoke in whistles and gave tests at the end of the show was basically a knock-off of Wily Kat. So they were all cool except for one lonely heart.
Let’s see- can’t fly. Space cowboy. Plays a synthesizer/guitar that turns into a metal bird sometimes.
Yeah, he is drinking whatever is the future version of MGD or at least Boone’s Farm. Probably the latter- Bluegrass sorta seems like a lightweight.
2. JEM Jem is the rock star alter-ego of Jerrica Benton(Jerrica? Was she supposed to be black?). She is helped out with her fabulous life by her computer built by her DEAD father called Synergy and her band, The Holograms (Again, it was the '80s). She also operates a music store/record label, has beef with another band and runs a house for foster girls.
Truly outrageous indeed.
She is a HUGE rockstar. This easily translates to drugs, sex and alcohol. On top of that she has an alter ego that she keeps secret. Why? I don't know. I do know that drinking is an easy way for her to cope with the fame, fortune, do-goodering, DEAD DAD and secret identity.
Along with 'ludes and maybe coke. I mean just ask Tony Stark.
Hey, Jem-baby. Where you going? I got the Quinjet, mama.
I’m guessing a lot of vodka and wine coolers when she isn’t in Jem mode and is plain old Jerrica "I Got A DEAD Pops" Benton.
3. ALEXANDRA CABOT
It’s that simple.
Can you imagine her daily life- she has skunk hair like her cat, she is jealous of a group of horrible pop princesses called Josie and the Pussycats, her cowardly brother works for these girls, she has a crush on Josie’s boyfriend, she is talentless, can’t sing, can’t play a note and her only real friend is a cat called Sebastian.
A damn cat named Sebastian.
Yeah, she drinks Wild Turkey. Daily. With her cat. And probably hates on Jem, too.
4. GARGAMEL The Smurfs are, and I'm guessing here, some sort of little blue demon or rat species with a limited vocabulary who live in a village in a forest somewhere. Probably France. Gargamel is an expert at alchemy that has a mad on for them.
So, let me get this straight. You are an evil wizard that has magical powers yet you get beat by little blue guys with berets and white pants.
C’mon, man. They are three apples tall for chrissakes.
Maybe that’s why you live in a shack with your dirty cat, Azrael. Plus, are you trying to catch the Smurfs to eat them or make gold with them? I’m confused.
AND I seem to remember a time or two when you needed Papa Smurf to help get you out of a jam. That must suck as bad as your bald spot.
He drinks Olde English every time the Smurfs one up him. That’s a lot of 40s.
5. DR. CLAW The archenemy of Inspector Gadget, a bumbling detective, Dr. Claw is the leader of M.A.D., which either stands for Mean And Dirty or Malevolent Agency of Destruction. I think the latter is cooler so it's probably the former. Either way it is a generic terrorist group highly into marketing.
Hey. What is up with all these loser villains having cats?
You are an idiot Dr. Claw. You promote the hell out of M.A.D. and get beat out by an…, hell, I don’t know. Is Inspector Gadget an android or something? How the hell does helicopter rotor blades come out of his head?
Anyway, so you and your henchmen lose to this asshat all the time and that should make you feel bad.
You don’t EVEN lose to the inspector- you lose to his pre-teen daughter and her dog.
Masters of Disguise.
Are you shitting me? A little girl and her mutt?
“Next time”, indeed. I'm not even sure this guy is a real doctor either.
And, really? M.A.D. Cat? You couldn't come up with something a tad more creative?
He drinks Mad Dog 20/20 because he is a douche like that. Get rid of the cat.
Just look at him. I mean…Jesus. I’ll buy him a round.
I’m sure Eeyore drinks Jack Daniel’s as Winnie eats his 587th pot of honey.
Like Dumbo, this is another Disney flick that left my little soul a bit depressed as a kid.
Bambi’s life is sadly similar to a lot of people I grew up with.
Mother got shot, father is a dick who is hardly around and puts a lot of pressure on him to be the new Prince of the Forest.
Thanks. No pressure, dad.
Plus his best friend is Thumper.
Will ditch you for a little tail. EVERY FUCKIN' TIME.
HUGE Rabbit Douchebag. Whatever happened to Bros Before Hoes, huh?
No break for Bambi.
So what he doesn't have hands. Tequila is his drink of choice.
8. MR. GEORGE EVERETT WILSON
I feel your pain, George. I hate that lil punk Dennis.
And his little buddy Joey too. He has shifty eyes. He’s up to something.
You can’t win, buddy. He does whatever the hell he wants and there is no type of discipline coming from the Mitchell parents. They are seriously slacking. And for some strange reason, your wife loves the kid that plagues your life with pain.
She evens feeds the little prick.
You drink Scotch. Nightly.
9. DAFFY DUCK Sure, Elmer Fudd or Wile E. Coyote are the obvious choices for the drinker in Looney Tunes cavalcade of crazy cartoon characters. Hell, even that dog that Foghorn Leghorn messes with all the time seems like the go to boozer. But, in fact, the drunky in this little group is Daffy.
Where to begin?
He usually gets the short end of the stick. It's always Duck Hunting Season in his universe. He has no pants. And he hangs out with a rabbit(See Thumper above).
Ask yourself- what's worse than playing second fiddle to some asshole rabbit?
Oh. Yeah. Sorry, Donald. Least you got a shirt though.
Daffy drinks Absinthe every morning, hence the oddball behavior.
10. RANGER SMITH Do I really gotta explain? He gets outsmarted pretty much daily by a bear in a hat, a collar and a shitty green tie. How is he supposed to be happy with his life if he sucks at his job?
You might think him and Yogi are pals. You would be wrong. Yogi is a user that only stops being a jerk if it can get him ahead, namely with the ladies and some food. Boo Boo is marginally better.
Plus, they are bears. There is a reason why Stephen Colbert made them the number one threat to America.
To top it off, his job would be much simpler if people just simply didn't leave their pic-a-nic baskets out in the open and paid attention to Jellystone Park rules of conduct. But do they? NOOOOOO.
Smug Bear Bastard...
That's why this asshole and his little buddy with the blue bow-tie always get a good meal.
He drinks Budweiser at the local pub and moonshine at his house while he dreams of being this dude and happily poppin' a cap in Yogi's fat ass.
Goodbye, Mr. Bear.
The Eternal One
1 year ago