My Favorite Fictional Lush Today- Hank Moody

When I wrote the Starbuck entry, I received some good feedback and suggestions for future entries to this category of my blog. (please leave comments, folks) One was from a Twitter friend and she nominated a character from a show I had never watched- Californication. She usually has good taste (except for liking LOST but, alas, we can't all be perfect like me) so I went to learn more. I rented the first season from my library and sat back to enjoy.

I was BLOWN AWAY.

Besides her character choice being perfect, the show itself was damn good. Good character development and dynamics in their relationships. They were flawed like real people and I was actually engaged by what was going on. (By the way, Hank Moody might be based on Henry Bukowkski, an alcoholic German American poet and author, who wrote a fair bit about Los Angeles)

So off of Knitwit983's recommendation, I present to you the bullet points on Hank Moody.

SPOILERS ABOUND.

HANK MOODY

Birth Name:Henry "Hank" Moody
Birth Date:Sometime in the 1960s
Birth Place: New York, NY
Occupation:Author/ Dad/ Philanderer/ Drinker

Californication revolves around Hank Moody. He is a writer and novelist who has had some success and even a film made out of one of his books. He, of course, hated the movie. Hank also happens to be a heavy drinker, sex addict and is suffering from writer's block. The writer's block has been going on for years since he moved out to the hedonistic paradise of Los Angeles.

Already I like Hank. Can see where if I didn't take steps and/or continue to take steps I could be Hank in the long run. But get to the nitty-gritty of Hank's "finer" points, antics and actions. I don't condone them all but it makes for good television.

- Continues to engage in hitting on his ex-girlfriend Karen while she is engaged to another man. Sometimes directly in front of dude (To be fair to Hank though, they have a kid together, her fiancee is a stiff, she only half-heartedly fights off his advances and she looks like this...)

Hot in a vaguely Eastern-Euro, rocker mom sort of way.

- Is actually a good dad to his daughter and will bend over backwards for her. While not lying to her about the realities of the world, he is protective.

- Pulls off that whole "white guy using sassy black guy/gal" talk very admirably. I usually am not a big fan of it but Duchovny actually sells those lines. I actually cracked up when he told his agent to "Kiss my black ass" and thanked the aforementioned fiancee by saying "That's mighty white of you." Good stuff.

- Sleeps around. A LOT. But isn't a complete asshole about it and is usually honest and upfront about it.

That's just how he rolls, yo.

- Had sex with a 16 year-old fan who punched him in the face quite a bit during the lovemaking. He didn't know how old she was and it turned out she was the daughter of his ex's new fiancee. Small world.

Gotta check I.D. like club bouncers, fellas.

- Saves aforementioned teen from a pervy schoolteacher. Okay, it was a set-up but he went to protect her anyway.

- Performed in a Devil's Threesome to help his pal get some from a lady while he was estranged from his wife who was having a lesbian affair with his assistant. That's a wingman for that ass.

- Reunited the same guy with his wife at the wedding of his ex and her new fiancee. Very painful but Hank pulled it off.

- Also, stopped the teenage daughter from ruining the day in her own drunken fashion and got punched in the process. (He did deserve it but still...)

- Writes a blog about his life and the deficiencies with society at large. KINDA familiar.

- Punched out a guy for calling his ex a "cunt" at a party after her fiancee did nothing. Maybe my favorite Hank moment.

- When his daughter had her first period, Hank fought with a couple in the middle of a store to get the last box of tampons. Hilarity but I nominate him for Father of the Year for that one. (He'll lose to Liam Neeson's character in Taken but he'll still get a nod from me)

Sure Hank has his flaws. He's a bit of a womanizer, snorts blow off a hooker's ass, forgot while he didn't call a woman back, became a pedophile (by accident) and can be so honest that it hurts. But he is trying to change and make things better for the people he cares about and is fiercely loyal. Hank may stumble along the way but he will ultimately attempt to do the right thing.

He is like Batman. Just drunker and with less gadgets or a homo-erotic relationship with a sidekick. (Then again I haven't seen the second season yet...)


He's the hero we deserve, but not the one we need right now.

My Favorite Fictional Lush Today- Starbuck

Before we begin the first of the My Favorite Fictional Lush Today series, I have to explain. Sometimes there are characters created who drink WAY more than any normal human should. Yet, they still have something, a je ne sais quoi if you will, that keeps us rooting for them. Not to necessarily clean their act up but to be the most AWESOME version of their character that they can be.

With that said I should also explain that I'm a HUGE sci-fi geek. Geek not nerd. There is a difference, people.

As long as it is good and not a lotta bs (I'm looking at you, LOST), I'll watch it or read it if it is sci-fi. Thus, I watch the most kick-ass sci-fi show on television right now, Battlestar Galactica. It works because it isn't just metal robots and shit blowing up (although it does have that) but because it is good drama. The issues are relevant and the characters are real and screwed up like actual people. If you haven't watched it before you should definitely check it out. (I got the mini-series and first season if you wanna borrow it)

On this show, the characters go up and down but some maintain certain habits and traits throughout. Whether it be stubbornness, determination or vast self-interest, all the characters have something going for them that makes you want to watch.
There are even a few drunk characters (although, to be fair, all of the cast has had their bouts with the bottles at one time or another).

Even Apollo.

I'm going to talk about my favorite drunk on the show right now and my first pick for Favorite Fictional Lush Today. (no worries- I'll get to the Tighs in due time)

POSSIBLE SPOILERS TO FOLLOW

STARBUCK

Birth Name:Kara Thrace
Birth Date:Either a long time ago or way into the future
Birth Place:Caprica (maybe)
Occupation:Viper Pilot/ Captain/ Fighter/ Frakker/ Drinker

Where to begin with the awesomeness that is Kara Thrace? Let's start at the beginning.....

Kara was an abused child. Her mom used to break her hands and she learned to accept pain as a way of life, which perhaps led to her alcohol abuse later in life. Her father was a M.I.A. musician which may have been why she got on that pole, son!

Joking.

Anyway, she trained and became the best pilot out there. She was a flight trainer and got the guy she loved killed. More drinking began. She was transferred to Galactica and spent most of her time, before the Cylons came back, gambling, smoking cigars, fighting, boozing it up and being sent to the brig.

Five minutes later, she punched someone and was in the brig.

She drinks Samuel L. Jackson beer (mmm, mmm, bitch), kicks ass and ask questions later. Here are just some of the reasons I adore Starbuck...

- Fights her Excutive Officer, Saul Tigh. Multiple times. (to be fair, he is a drunk also, and that never ends well)

- Humps everyone- Lee Adama, Zak Adama, Samuel Anders, Gauis Baltar, probably some more dudes in flight school and almost boned a Cylon.

- Plays sports well.

Don't even know the rules but I'm sure she could beat me in Pyramid.

- She is tough as hell. Crash landings, no air, fistfights, boxing, experimented on by Cylons, beats someone's ass with a bum leg, returns from the DEAD...Need I go on?

Harder to kill than Fiddy. Word.


- She thinks outside the box. She was stranded on a moon with poison air and figured out how to hotwire a Cylon Raider to get her ass home.

- Disobeys orders and gets an arrow that can show the way to Earth.

- Did I say she DIED already? Oh, yeah. She DIES and comes back with the map to Earth in her pristine Viper.

- Drinks out of a stein with a skull on it.

- Defends Helo to the Galactica crew when he says he is in love with a Cylon. (almost as good as being in love with a stripper- I see you, T-Pain)

- Gives Helo shit for being in love with a Cylon. (She's fair and balanced, like Fox News claims to be)

- Cleans up nice.

Okay it's Sackhoff but my point is still valid.

- Said "Bitch took my ride." Really.

- Will shoot a mofo in a minute. Ask Skulls' ass. She can do it all day.

- Will shank a mofo in a second.

Prepare to be shanked, you Cylon frak.

-Literally drank her husband under the table once.

- Everyone fears her.

- Those that don't fear her are either crazy messed up themselves (a Six, Tigh and Admiral Cain) or at least respect/love her (Adamas, Helo, Roslin).

- Is spiritual but not overly religious.

- Remembers all the pilots that were loss.

- No matter what, will get her shit together to fight the good fight.

So what if she is "The Harbinger of Death." Whatever that means. Please. You know how many times I get that a day? Even on Christmas?

CAN'T. EVEN. COUNT.

All in all, Starbuck is great.

Disagree and she will hit you.


Told you.

10 Possible Drunk Characters From My Youth

Looking over this blog I realize that I won't be able to update as much as possible with non-shenanigans because 1)I'm staying in more for monetary reasons and 2)I'm getting old. As the late, great Bernie Mac would say, My body weary. Instead, I will try to provide little updates, articles or just randomness once or twice a week if I do not go out. If you are looking for something to actually read go here or something non-drink related from my life go here.

If not, sit back and enjoy my idle mind as we discuss cartoon characters that I'm pretty sure were hitting the sauce on the low.

Now, I know what you are saying:
"Sean, the cartoon characters from when we were little were just enjoyment for children. They weren't doing adult things like drinking. Come on, guy."

First off, don't call me guy. What am I? Canadian, buddy?
Secondly, oh really?
Look at these folks and tell me they weren't preparing you to deal with the adult world and all its issues....


Homelessness.


Gay Marriage.


Date Rape.


Jump-offs, D-Bags, Slackers and Cheating.

So, it comes as no surprise to me that the makers of my 1980s children entertainment also introduced characters that were probably abusing alcohol when no one was looking. (Don't EVEN let me get started with the boozers on Transformers- I'm looking at you, Spike and Grimlock) Sorry to destroy your cherished memories of these childhood stars.

Here are my top ten suspects of undercover cartoon drinkers....


1. BLUEGRASS Silverhawks were basically Thundercats in space but I still liked them. They were started by a grizzled, old, one-eyed cop who wanted to combat space pirates, particularly Mon*Star, who was obviously a gussied up version of Mumm-Ra. The Silverhawks could fly and live in space and had a ship named Maraj (pronounced Mirage but you couldn't spell it the right way because it was the '80s and everyone was on coke).

All the Silverhawks were kinda cool knock-offs of the Thundercats. Even the annoying one who spoke in whistles and gave tests at the end of the show was basically a knock-off of Wily Kat. So they were all cool except for one lonely heart.

Bluegrass.

Let’s see- can’t fly. Space cowboy. Plays a synthesizer/guitar that turns into a metal bird sometimes.

Yeah, he is drinking whatever is the future version of MGD or at least Boone’s Farm. Probably the latter- Bluegrass sorta seems like a lightweight.



2. JEM Jem is the rock star alter-ego of Jerrica Benton(Jerrica? Was she supposed to be black?). She is helped out with her fabulous life by her computer built by her DEAD father called Synergy and her band, The Holograms (Again, it was the '80s). She also operates a music store/record label, has beef with another band and runs a house for foster girls.

Truly outrageous indeed.

She is a HUGE rockstar. This easily translates to drugs, sex and alcohol. On top of that she has an alter ego that she keeps secret. Why? I don't know. I do know that drinking is an easy way for her to cope with the fame, fortune, do-goodering, DEAD DAD and secret identity.

Along with 'ludes and maybe coke. I mean just ask Tony Stark.


Hey, Jem-baby. Where you going? I got the Quinjet, mama.

I’m guessing a lot of vodka and wine coolers when she isn’t in Jem mode and is plain old Jerrica "I Got A DEAD Pops" Benton.



3. ALEXANDRA CABOT
Alex= hater.

That’s it.

It’s that simple.

Can you imagine her daily life- she has skunk hair like her cat, she is jealous of a group of horrible pop princesses called Josie and the Pussycats, her cowardly brother works for these girls, she has a crush on Josie’s boyfriend, she is talentless, can’t sing, can’t play a note and her only real friend is a cat called Sebastian.
A damn cat named Sebastian.

Yeah, she drinks Wild Turkey. Daily. With her cat. And probably hates on Jem, too.




4. GARGAMEL The Smurfs are, and I'm guessing here, some sort of little blue demon or rat species with a limited vocabulary who live in a village in a forest somewhere. Probably France. Gargamel is an expert at alchemy that has a mad on for them.

So, let me get this straight. You are an evil wizard that has magical powers yet you get beat by little blue guys with berets and white pants.

C’mon, man. They are three apples tall for chrissakes.

Maybe that’s why you live in a shack with your dirty cat, Azrael. Plus, are you trying to catch the Smurfs to eat them or make gold with them? I’m confused.
AND I seem to remember a time or two when you needed Papa Smurf to help get you out of a jam. That must suck as bad as your bald spot.
He drinks Olde English every time the Smurfs one up him. That’s a lot of 40s.



5. DR. CLAW The archenemy of Inspector Gadget, a bumbling detective, Dr. Claw is the leader of M.A.D., which either stands for Mean And Dirty or Malevolent Agency of Destruction. I think the latter is cooler so it's probably the former. Either way it is a generic terrorist group highly into marketing.

Hey. What is up with all these loser villains having cats?

You are an idiot Dr. Claw. You promote the hell out of M.A.D. and get beat out by an…, hell, I don’t know. Is Inspector Gadget an android or something? How the hell does helicopter rotor blades come out of his head?

Anyway, so you and your henchmen lose to this asshat all the time and that should make you feel bad.

Actually. Wait.

You don’t EVEN lose to the inspector- you lose to his pre-teen daughter and her dog.

Masters of Disguise.

Are you shitting me? A little girl and her mutt?
“Next time”, indeed. I'm not even sure this guy is a real doctor either.
And, really? M.A.D. Cat? You couldn't come up with something a tad more creative?

He drinks Mad Dog 20/20 because he is a douche like that. Get rid of the cat.



6. EEYORE


Just look at him. I mean…Jesus. I’ll buy him a round.
I’m sure Eeyore drinks Jack Daniel’s as Winnie eats his 587th pot of honey.



7. BAMBI
Bambi.

Wow.

Like Dumbo, this is another Disney flick that left my little soul a bit depressed as a kid.

Bambi’s life is sadly similar to a lot of people I grew up with.
Mother got shot, father is a dick who is hardly around and puts a lot of pressure on him to be the new Prince of the Forest.
Thanks. No pressure, dad.


Plus his best friend is Thumper.


Will ditch you for a little tail. EVERY FUCKIN' TIME.

HUGE Rabbit Douchebag. Whatever happened to Bros Before Hoes, huh?

No break for Bambi.
So what he doesn't have hands. Tequila is his drink of choice.



8. MR. GEORGE EVERETT WILSON
I feel your pain, George. I hate that lil punk Dennis.

And his little buddy Joey too. He has shifty eyes. He’s up to something.

You can’t win, buddy. He does whatever the hell he wants and there is no type of discipline coming from the Mitchell parents. They are seriously slacking. And for some strange reason, your wife loves the kid that plagues your life with pain.
She evens feeds the little prick.

Sigh.

You drink Scotch. Nightly.



9. DAFFY DUCK Sure, Elmer Fudd or Wile E. Coyote are the obvious choices for the drinker in Looney Tunes cavalcade of crazy cartoon characters. Hell, even that dog that Foghorn Leghorn messes with all the time seems like the go to boozer. But, in fact, the drunky in this little group is Daffy.

Why, Daffy?
Where to begin?

He usually gets the short end of the stick. It's always Duck Hunting Season in his universe. He has no pants. And he hangs out with a rabbit(See Thumper above).
Ask yourself- what's worse than playing second fiddle to some asshole rabbit?



Oh. Yeah. Sorry, Donald. Least you got a shirt though.

Daffy drinks Absinthe every morning, hence the oddball behavior.



10. RANGER SMITH Do I really gotta explain? He gets outsmarted pretty much daily by a bear in a hat, a collar and a shitty green tie. How is he supposed to be happy with his life if he sucks at his job?

You might think him and Yogi are pals. You would be wrong. Yogi is a user that only stops being a jerk if it can get him ahead, namely with the ladies and some food. Boo Boo is marginally better.

Plus, they are bears. There is a reason why Stephen Colbert made them the number one threat to America.

To top it off, his job would be much simpler if people just simply didn't leave their pic-a-nic baskets out in the open and paid attention to Jellystone Park rules of conduct. But do they? NOOOOOO.


Smug Bear Bastard...

That's why this asshole and his little buddy with the blue bow-tie always get a good meal.

He drinks Budweiser at the local pub and moonshine at his house while he dreams of being this dude and happily poppin' a cap in Yogi's fat ass.

Goodbye, Mr. Bear.